An Agent's Education

Will Obamacare cover my physical therapy?

I’m reasonably fit.

By that I mean I go to the gym a fair bit. I play soccer in-between injuries. I lift weights, I run, I hike, bike, and ski. I’m, you know, active. However, I’m not really training for anything in particular. Like many I suspect I ascribe to the Jerry Seinfeld fitness philosophy – I want to look good naked (or at least not awful). Working against me is my self-diagnosed PCI. That’s Portion Control Issues. French fries, in particular, are my Kryptonite. And, having only recently moved into my 40s, I’m aware my most athletic days are behind me. Father time, as they say, is undefeated.

That said, I love a challenge and few things motivate me more than a list (lists!) of clear objectives. And the fitness standards established by the FBI are as good a benchmark as any. I can’t seem to find the MI6 standards so I’m “buying American.” Here’s the problem. I wouldn’t pass them right now. As I stated, my exercise of late has been more vanity-driven than performance-rooted. More pressing, there’s the matter of a torn hamstring. My left thigh is presently reminiscent of Jabba the Hut. Dan has firmly suggested that I *not* post a photo. So, once my leg recovers, I’m going to embark on a little test-specific training in hope of earning passing marks. It’s like an SAT preparation course without my utter and complete fear of math.

The FBI’s test consists of:

My white whale

• Maximum number of sit-ups in one minute
• Timed 300-meter sprint
• Maximum number of push-ups (un-timed)
• Timed one and one-half mile (1.5 mile) run
• Max number of continuous chin-ups

The chin-ups are apparently for academy recruits only; the Feds toss them in to stoke the competitive fires a bit. They aren’t part of the pass fail requirements, but a high score can earn you a certificate. So, while the chin-ups are optional, I’m going to include them. As you know from my post on credentials, I love a certificate. Even if I have to make my own.

Upon initial review I wasn’t terribly concerned. Then I looked at the protocols (of course there are protocols) and the scoring criteria. This is not going to be a slam dunk. I need to score at least one point in each of the four challenges and need a cumulative score of 12 across them all. So, while I can nearly tank one or two, I have to do fairly well in some others to compensate. I think I can swing the minimum in each group. It’s the cumulative score I’m concerned about. Let’s take a look at the scoring system for each challenge.

Sit-ups: I have no idea how fast a sit-up is. I suspect I can bang out the first twenty fairly quickly. Somewhere between 25 and 30 my back is going to start to hurt. And I’ll be nearly 10 sit-ups away from earning any points. Am I going to run out of time?

Scoring Scale for One-Minute Sit-Ups

300 meter sprint: This one doesn’t concern me. I figure I can just sprint it and get by on shear force of will. As my father taught me, when all else fails, try brute force and ignorance. The sprint might culminate with me vomiting, but there’s a credential at stake. Decorum be damned, I’ll bring Tic-Tacs.

Scoring Scale for Timed 300-Meter Sprint (in seconds)

Push-ups: I’m not too worried about this one. I spend a fair bit of time pushing around heavy things at the gym, but usually in sets of eight or ten. Since this is my chance to rack up some points I’m shooting for 50. My over confidence could prove my undoing. This seems like a great spot for my back to go out. 

Scoring Scale for Push-Ups (un-timed)

1.5 mile run: This one, when I’m healed, is the least of my concerns. I’m built for a long sprint. Don’t let that confuse you, I’m not quick. However, when I get going I can keep going; particularly if there’s a soccer ball involved. There’s a reasonable chance I’m having delusions of grandeur here as I’m bench-marking myself against high school soccer practice. In the late 80s. 

Scoring Scale for 1.5 Mile Run (in minutes: seconds)

Chin-ups: I actually banged out ten of these pretty quickly at the gym the other day so I’m not real worried here. However, there’s one small caveat, my chin-ups were with my palms facing me and that’s against FBI protocol. How much harder could palms out be?

Scoring Scale for Standard Pull-Ups

So, there you have it. Reflecting on this further as I write, I’m confident I can do this, but I need a deadline. I highly doubt I will be running again until the end of the month. I’m going to give myself three months to heal and train so that’s a 2014 Q1 deadline for my self administered test. Plenty of time right?

I’ll post some updates from training. If nothing else public shaming is a powerful motivator.